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My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?