“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
You Might Also Like
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Look at this
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.