Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean