“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
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INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah