Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”