Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?