Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

I’m the neighbor

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.