My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
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I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee