Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.