1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
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The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Labreador
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..