Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*