Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

My blood type is coffee.

The honesty is refreshing

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.