Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it

seems fine

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?