Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

the internet really was better 18 years ago

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

Worst Native American name ever.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over