Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?