Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

Merica.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

men, we mow at sunrise.

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now