Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

technique

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family