Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

Pikachu found the lost joint

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/D-yfwRtXsAAsdA7.mp4

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not