Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird