[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
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I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
The most accurate map ever devised.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible