Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.