Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

cats when you pet them too long:

Rather alarming headline…

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo