Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

getting groceries

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

Stop.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches