Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

You can’t outrun your problems…

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.