Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

This is sending me to another galaxy

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards