1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists