1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table