Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

how much does a mortician urn in a year

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

who will stop them

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

My mom texting me from an anime convention