Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

British websites use biscuits.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

new career option?

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

my proudest tweet

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own