1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
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*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.