1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
they really do be looking like this
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
