Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.