[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?