1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
aesthetic
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I saw nothing
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.