Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

that wasn’t the question

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.