Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?

Wife:

Me: I’ll be on the couch.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

? 💀

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.