Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

I love you to the refrigerator and back

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer