1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
You Might Also Like
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell