Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

😭😭😭

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?