[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
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I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me