Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

best review i’ve ever seen

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG