ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something
[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
“y2k” making us anxious
“k” making us anxious
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him
ELENA: He’s not!
PUTIN: (softly) u…s…
[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!
I gave up carbs four minutes ago and seven people are dead.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Dang girl are you the police on Grand Theft Auto, because 2 minutes after I leave you forget all about me & move on to someone else.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select