[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
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FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
dutch is not a serious language
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else