“y2k” making us anxious


“k” making us anxious

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ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?


The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.


Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!


ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station


Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.


PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!


The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.


Dang girl are you the police on Grand Theft Auto, because 2 minutes after I leave you forget all about me & move on to someone else.


Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select