[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Breaking news:
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.