Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

Facebook Twitter

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?