Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.