[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster