Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Time for evil

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.