Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.