Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr