1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
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Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Growing out my freckles.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
