1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
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I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.