1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
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My good tweets are in my other pants.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
dude it’s called proctologist
