1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
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Shoo shoo! 😂
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
me linking you to my twitter
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
me adding lol on a serious message
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.