Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

me when I see my crush

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

Whoa 😂

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision