Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

For those that worship cheese..

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!