Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.