1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
You Might Also Like
Love thy neighbor’s dog
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!