1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you