Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

This came to me in a dream.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me