1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
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“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again