1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
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coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.