1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

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Don’t feel like going to the gym?

Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.

Then go to the gym.


Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.



Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.


what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog


I just saw something drop into my wine out of the corner of my eye. But the alcohol will kill it, right?


4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there


I just had a nun tell me she loves rum and coke, and that she doesn’t have a beer belly… it’s a “rummy tummy.”

You’re welcome.


Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.


Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.


[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*