1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
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Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
My birthstone is kidney
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*