Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.