Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.