Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

Golf would be better with landmines.

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.