Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

Good advice.

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

Saw your ex at the shops

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

I needed a laugh this morning.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”