1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
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you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.