Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

The second world war should have been called world war returns

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order