Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?