Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

i want it utterly assaulted.

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Duolingo getting serious.

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.