Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”