Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

So Hamburger help me, God

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready